franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
