it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
