How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
