So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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