Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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