no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
