Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
