So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
