At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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