how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
