I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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