Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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