I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
