If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
