Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
