does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
