I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
