got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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