They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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