Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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