You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
