I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
