Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You have to summon your inner elephant
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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