Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
