I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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