I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
