I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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