WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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