Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
