The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
