You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
