At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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