yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
