I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
