I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Sober January is a disaster.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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