I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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