I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
