mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
no more duck duck goose at the bar
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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