She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
