he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
