Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
