It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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