He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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