Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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