I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
