I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
