After last night, I could never be a politician.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
