I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
