i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
