he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
