I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
