I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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